This Shall Be Interesting

Airports Have Ho’s, Sluts and Freaks December 2, 2009

I have now been sittin at the airport for almost 2 hours and I am amazed at the immense amount of different types of women that have come past me…

Ho’s- I have seen a lot of these. Let me preface this by telling you that it is 12 degrees outside!!! Anyway, these girls are wearing super short shorts with Ugg boots. Don’t get me wrong. This is hot as hell and seriously just lose the shorts and keep the Uggs on… Even hotter… But this isn’t realistic!!! It is snowing!!

Sluts- I love a good slut as much as the next guy. But when the sluts are fat and ugly that just isn’t appealing…

-”Excuse Ms. Slut”
-”Yes, baby”
-”I really don’t need to watch you rub your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) against the leg of your fat boyfriend”
-”But his thigh flab makes my FUPA feel good”
-”Seriously, have you even been able to see your vagina over the last 10 years”
-”I have a vagina?? Hell, I don’t need one of those…I just let my man fuck my fat”

Freaks- This pretty hot chick sat beside me for almost 30 minutes so I got a good vibe that she was a garden variety freak. She was definitely a cutter and she was so goth that I think she was dead. She was also reading a book on Wickka (witchcraft stoopids). I still thought she was hot…

Over 1,000 Pieces of Pie!!! December 2, 2009

Wow!!  I just looked and saw that my blog broke 1,000 total page views!!!  Now I feel terrible about not updating for the last week or so.  I have a valid excuse though… I was stuck in hillbilly heaven for the last 5 days with no internet access.  I guess I could have updated on my blackberry but then I would have felt bad being as I was supposed to be spending time with my family.  So, I spent time with my family. 

Things I did while in WVA that I dont normally get to do:

• Ride 4 wheelers in the mud and snow
• Eat Tastykakes  (for those of you who are not from the mid atlantic states and have no clue what Tastykakes are… here is the link to pure heaven and foodgasms galore  http://www.tastykake.com/)
• Eat Martins Potato Rolls (simply the best rolls/bread in the history of mankind   http://www.potatoroll.com/)
• Play Turkey Tracks (this is a dominoes game that is super fun and very mind challenging)
• Sleep more than I normally do (I know this is hard to believe as I tend to sleep alot)
• Eat my mom’s Beef Barley Soup  (sidenote- wow, I ate alot on this trip)
• Visit the house that I grew up in for the last time before my parents sell it in the spring
• Ride down an Alpine Rollercoaster at Wisp Ski Resort
• Have sex at my parents vacation home.  Felt kinda dirty…
• Drink coffee all… the… time…

So, now I need to go to sleep as I just got back into town from my parents and I fly out to Denver in less than 5 hours.  The updates will be pretty frequent over the next few days and then they will be few and far between for a few weeks as I have some stuff to take care of. 

Thanks for making me feel like I am interesting!!! 

Leavin For “Home” In Less Than 12 Hours And Havent Even Done Laundry November 25, 2009

• Thanksgiving is apparently tomorrow
• I am flying back to Baltimore with AY and we arent even close to being prepared
• She still thinks that she gets to have an extra bag other than a carry on.  Little does she know that this is not a factual thought.  I refuse to pay $20 just to check a bag
• I havent been home in almost 2 years.  Gonna be kinda weird but we get to spend Thanksgiving at the house I grew up in and the rest of the weekend at my parents vacation home in West Virginia 
• My family is country.  I grew up in a small town.  And I dont think AY is even remotely prepared for the hilarity that will ensue when she meets my brother.  He has a mullet and wears Harley Davidson shirts.  He runs junked up cars into trees on purpose and then buries them on his property.  He burns things for no reason.  He is the epitome of hillbilly.  Dont get me wrong…. He is awesome, but I am sure that she thinks I am exaggerating with the stories I have told her about him 
• My parents rock.  They have been married for almost 50 years and are the foundation from which I have been developed.  I aspire to be like my dad, and if I could even be half of what he is then I am doing pretty darn good.  My mom is the caregiver and just an amazing, caring, loving person.  They will welcome AY with open arms and treat her as if they have known her forever
• My sister and I used to be very tight, but she has a douchebag husband and we have had a falling out over the last few years.  It will be interesting seeing her
•  We will get to ride 4 wheelers through the mud.  I will take AY to see a working coal mine and generally just chill out in West Virginia
• Monday we will go back to the house I grew up in and then go into Baltimore so AY can see the Inner Harbor, Fells Point and other places
• Tuesday we come back to Houston
• Wednesday I fly to Denver

So, ummm, there ya go… that is what we are doing for the next few days…

This Weather Is Heaven, And 6AM Flights Suck!!! November 25, 2009

This can’t get any better… Third Coast on a Wednesday afternoon in 70 degree weather!!! Drew, Dave, Shane, Wayne, Josi and myself are very fortunate today!!

I love how this all came about too… Yesterday I was IMing with DHam on FB and we were talking about how nice the weather was going to be. One thing led to another and 4 text messages later… Volleyball at Third Coast!!

The 6AM flight tomorrow will suck but I will be totally intrigued to see if AY fits her stuff into a carry on…

Mojitos Are Good. Pizza Is Yummy. Japanese Dumplings Taste Great. Douchebags Are Everywhere. November 25, 2009

Ok, so Steak Night didnt work out so well because AY has this thing called a… job??  or is it pronounced yob??  Not sure if the “j” is silent or not.  But, either way, she has one of those and she got done with it too late for steak.  I understand that this doesnt make any sense to some of you, because it doesnt make sense to me either… but apparently there are rules that state that you have to stay at a certain place for a certain period of time in order to keep working there.  I wonder if they realize that they are forcing people to miss Steak Night.  Anyway, she finally got home and was in some weird mood or something.  (I dont know if there was a ”period” involved or what.  It could be that I didnt clean anything up today and when she walked in I was laying in bed with Mags.  But I am still not sure.  It seemed very femaley)  She basically tells me to get up, get dressed and that she needs alcohol and food immediately.  Being as we missed Steak Night (see above) I run the plethora of dining choices through my head and decide that The Flat would be a great place to go being as they have frozen Mojitos and Pizza. 

We get to The Flat (located at Commonwealth and Waugh) and take a seat at the bar.  The Flat is a very eclectic place and I highly recommend it to anyone who likes unique venues with decent music and amazing drinks.  They pour their drinks tall and they pour them stiff (kinda like my… ummm… you know).  We order our food and drinks and proceed to make fun of people.  This is what we do.  Well, this is what I do,  AY just sits there and shakes her head at the fact that I am apparently an asshole.  We were there for about an hour or so and then the “douchebags” started arriving….

• DB #1- this guy was wearing a hat with a folded brim.  a sportcoat.  a button up shirt.  plaid shorts and flip flops.  and thought he was really cool.  WTF was this guy thinking. 
• DB #2- black guy.  came through the door drinkin a 40 and wearin a stained wife beater.  oh, he was also dancing.  look on the bright side,  his bar tab will be cheap.
• DB #3- wigger.  this white guy came through the door dancing as well.  he danced and danced and danced.  he was standing at the bar ordering a drink and dancing at the same time, until he saw me roll my eyes at him.  then he stopped dancing.  I think he realized he looked like an idiot.

Regardless of the douchebags… The Flat is one of the chillest places in Houston and AY swears it has the best pizza in the city.  I might be inclined to agree.  The frozen Mojitos are amazing and I would love to see DHam chug a few of them because I think he would really like them. 

The End (really, I cant think of anything witty to say here so this is really the end)

$13.95 For A Huge Steak and Potato?!?! November 24, 2009

One of the simple pleasures of living in Houston is Steak Night!!!  I have never known anything like this before.  I think it is the coolest thing and I am confused as to why other cities dont do this. 

I remember the first time I got asked to go to Steak Night.  It was at The Tavern on Gray (incidentally, I think they have the best steaks and potatoes) and I was not really looking forward to it.  At the time I had just moved here and I had no idea what the city was like and I definitely had no idea how big the steak and the potato would be.  I remember walking up to the front of the bar and the big pit that they cook the steaks and potato’s on was fired up and it smelled absolutely amazing.  Now, I thought, for 13.95 I would get like a 6 oz piece of meat and some puny potato that tasted horrible.  Once I saw the hunks of meat that the cooks were putting on the grill I knew that I was mistaken.  And then… my food came.  OMFG!!!  Heaven on a plate!!!  Huge piece of steak.  Huge potato with butter, sour cream, cheese and chives.  Absolutely awesome.  So, now, steak nights are my favorite nights and one of the only times you will see me drink beer…

Here is a link to a website that has EVERY SINGLE steak night in Houston listed and the prices of the aforementioned steak night.  The only thing is that I wish this website listed which drink specials were going on that night also. 

http://steak.trueexist.com/

I will be going to Brian O’Neils tonight!!! 

Can You Buy Hobbies At Hobby Lobby?? November 24, 2009

I seriously need a late night hobby.  (I dont think pleasuring oneself constitutes as a hobby and even if it did I can finish that in like 32 seconds, so I still need something else to fill the other 6 hours.  Maybe I could take up scrapbooking and use the by product of the aforementioned pleasuring oneself as glue, that way I would save some money)  I never sleep at night time.  I am the most productive at night time and totally stupid in the day time.  Maybe I need to get a job as a shelf stocker at the super market.  Or maybe a warehouse manager.  Or an OTR trucker.  I dont know what to do but this is getting stupid. 

So here I go… off to take care of 32 seconds of my night and paste some memories…

I Would Have Slept On The Cool Bricks With You… November 23, 2009

The title to this blog was almost “Wasted Away In Margaritaville” but that is so damn gay that I would have had to make fun of myself for using a stoopid Jimmy Buffet song as a title of my blog, not to  mention the fact that I would then be on the same plane as the suburban housewife who writes a blog about going out for ”Ladies Night” and how she got drunk because she is sad that her husband is busy at work and never home, but in reality he is banging his secretary on his desk during his lunch break and then banging her in an hourly rate motel after work, because he doesnt want to come home to his wifes nagging, fat, ass…  (I use alot of run-on sentences and I dont really care because it’s my blogspot, and I can cry if I want to)

So… We went out last night, one thing started leadin to another.  Ouuut last night…  Oh, wait, sorry… I broke out into singing country music there for a second, my bad.  Anyway, last night, the awesome people in my life put together a surprise dinner for me at Cyclone Anayas in Midtown to celebrate the closure of my misery in Colorado.  Before I get to the events that led to the title of this blog, I need to say that I love all my friends for coming and making this night awesome.  What makes it even better is that I was playing vball with and against 4 of the people that attended last night and they never even gave me a clue that there was anything going on, although I should have thought something was weird when Drew asked me out of the blue if it was 7:30 yet (7:30 was the pre-arranged meeting time).   So, Drew, Evan, Josi and I played ball until almost 7 and then I showered at 3C and headed to Cyclones.  Drew followed me there, he went over when we got there and I went upstairs to AY’s place to change clothes real quick.  I walked into the restaurant thinking that I was looking for AY, KReis and Drew.  I saw AY as soon as I walked in but she was sitting at a really big table with alot of people and in my head I was thinking “Wow, that girl looks exactly like AY but that cant be her because there are too many people”.   So I walked around for about 10 more seconds until I put it all together and figured it out.  

In attendance were; DHam, Josi, Evan, Bethany, KReis, TND, Tiff, AY, Jesse White and Jesse Black.  As usual, jokes were flowing and everything was fun…. Then Drew and I decided to start chugging large Patron Silver margaritas.  This was a brilliant idea at the time, not so brilliant about 30 minutes later after chugging 3 of them.  Here is the short list form of the rest of the night;

• Chug Margarita #1.  Order food
• Chug Margarita #2. Eat appetizers
• Chug Margarita #3. Eat food. Drew gets cut off because the manager saw him chugging margaritas.  I didnt get cut off because I have good hair
• Drink Margarita #4. Act stupid like we always do and sneak Drew AY’s margarita
• Order Margarita #5. Laugh til I cry watching Drew try to eat queso with his arm and various parts of his burgeoning beard
• Laugh some more while Josi and Evan clean the queso off of Drew’s face with a napkin like a NASCAR pit crew
• Drink half of Margarita #5.  Don’t understand why Bethany is telling me that I may need to take Drew to the bathroom
• Look at Drew and he has his head below the table and I cant understand why
• Figure out that Drew was just saying earlier that he was getting fat and decided to show us all that he purges after he binges.  (I always wondered how he was in such good shape)
• I walk around the table to where Drew is and realize that he is purging alot onto the tile floor so I begin to pile napkins on the floor to soak up the purged tequila, stomach bile and queso.  I also put some napkins on my foot as well to soak up TSBQ combo that ended up on my flip flops
• 10 minutes of this pass with Drew dying and all of us socializing in a circle around him like nothing is wrong in an effort to hide all of this from the rest of the establishment
• Finish Margarita #5.  Manager comes over and says that we pretty much need to take Drew out of the restaurant.  The manager wasnt happy
• Drew says “I’m Drew Hamilton!”.  We all laugh because even in his drunken state he is still hilarious
• I say “Drew, we need to move you”
• He says “I’ve got an idea”
• I say “What’s that?”
• He says “We are probably not going to move me yet.”
• I tell him that I love him.  He says he loves me.  It was magical.  I probably would have had sex with him right there if it wouldnt have been for his TSBQ breath
• Jesse White and I finally get Drew up and carry him to the door.  Holy Deer he is heavy
• We carry him across Gray St and once we get to the other side of the street he basically needs to lay down for a bit.  I just thought of a great joke “Why did drunk Drew cross the street?  To, lay down on the other side.”
• He lays down on the brick sidewalk and I lay down with him… because, ummm, thats what friends do
• He remarks that the bricks were really cool and that he would just sleep there
• I was thinking to myself that this would actually be kind of fun sleeping on the sidewalk and acting like homeless people for a night, but then KReis (the attorney in the group) states that the police could come and arrest us for being drunk on the sidewalk.  I am still not entirely sure this is factual or if she just didnt want Drew and I to realize our dreams of being homeless for a night
• We get Drew to Bethany’s car
• We all go to our respective places and pass out.  The End.

Morals of this night…  Cyclones margaritas are pretty darn strong.  Drew is heavy.  My friends are awesome.  And… If Drew would have wanted to spend the night on the sidewalk I would have stayed there with him, because he is awesome, and that is what friends do…

I Left My Slippers, And My Dignity, In Austin November 22, 2009

I am pissed!!!  I played (if you can call it that) in a volleyball tournament in Austin and I left my favorite wool lined slippers at the bar the tournament was held at!!!   So, now there is some douchebag person walking around in my nice, warm, woolen slippers and here I am with cold feet.  *sigh* 

Anyway, I played with Shane… and I played terrible.  I passed like hell, didn’t side out real great, set terrible and didn’t play defense.  If you look at Shane and myself compared to the rest of the teams there… we were probably the 4th 0r 5th best team out of the twelve that were there.  Ummm, we didnt even break pool.   Ummmm, we won ONE GAME!!  WTF???  ONE GODDAMN GAME?!?!?! 

So, I will now head to Third Coast and play some stupid 4 on 4 volleyball and have a chill day, with no cares while I try to regain my dignity after totally sucking yesterday.

The Court Is Smaller When You Play With Only Two People… And, Drew & Travis Are Better Than You Are, So Shut Up November 20, 2009

I realized something last night.  Normal people have no concept of what high level volleyball is like…

So, Josi and I were watching Tiff play 4′s last night.  (Just as a sidebar to this… Tiff should not be playing 4′s… ever.)   Anyway, we were watching her play 4′s and we ended up talking to Kyle’s (a guy in Tiff’s team) girlfriend.  It was the normal small talk about how young Josi is, and how he should seriously take advantage of the fact that all of these older women want to take him to bed and corrupt him, but he isnt interested because, god knows, there is something wrong with abnormally hot 25 year old women that ask you to leave a Halloween party and go to another Halloween party and pretty much have a billboard on their forehead that says “I want to have sex with you”.  I, personally, hate those kind of women *rolls eyes*.  We finally got past the fact that Josi is either stupid, or has so much moral turpitude that he turns down hot chicks, even when they are throwing themselves at him, and we move on to volleyball.  Josi asks her if she plays and she says… “No way… These people are way too good for me.”  Josi and I exchange a knowing glance as we watch some guy hit a scorching shot that tips the radar gun at 3 miles per hour.  Then Josi comments on the fact that the court is so big.  She looks at him in complete, utter disbelief and says, “Arent all the courts the same size?”  Josi and I proceed to explain that the courts are different sizes when you play with two people as opposed to four people and she still really isnt getting the concept of the different levels/types of volleyball… so Josi tells her about a time when Drew hit me in the chest with a ball and the ball ricocheted off of my chest in the air about 25 feet and travelled about 40-50 feet over the ball stop net onto the other court.  She basically still didnt get the fact that we were telling her that the people she was watching dont really hit hard and (except for Tiff and Kyle) are pretty much terrible volleyball players.  This then got me to thinking about Drew & Travis and the crap that they have to deal with….

Alot of you dont know that I played professional paintball for 7 years, and I am considered one of the top 10 players to ever play the game.  Here is a link so you can see what pro paintball looks like because I am sure none of you have a clue…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Otoi4ZfyDkE

Now that is out of the way…. Drew & Travis are good.  Not just good at volleyball.  Good at everything.  I am going to focus on Drew because I dont know Trav that well.  Drew is good at sports in general.  Before I was friends with him I could tell he was an athlete.  I thought he was a douchebag also.  But still could tell that he can pretty much be good at whatever sport he chooses to play.  Then I got to know him and he is arguably the most chill person I have ever met, not a douchebag at all and pretty much a great athlete.  Anyway… When I played pro paintball I used to listen to the lower level players talk about how pro players werent that much better than they were, and that if they had the sponsorship backing that we did then they could be just as good.  Ummm… yeah… right…. no you cant be.  I would listen to it and just smile at them and politely tell them that they are out of their minds…  It takes practice and natural god given talent to be truly great at something.  Same thing applies to Drew & Travis.  I hear people talk all the time (I listened to a group of them last night) about how this person and that person and this person and that person could compete with Drew & Travis.  Ummm… yeah… right… no they cant.  In the state of Texas, unless your name is Tim, Colin or Daniel you pretty much can’t compete.  So, I sat there and listened to this all go down last night with these people talking about how they would like to see so and so from their college team play against Drew & Travis and how, Drew really doesn’t hit that hard, blah, blah, blah…. and I figured something out….  People really have no concept of reality and cant give credit where credit is due. 

I am very aware of what I am in the volleyball world.  I am a pretty strong athlete who is a decent volleyball player.  If I play with Drew I become a really good volleyball player.  Put this into perspective people… Let’s take Drew & Travis’ in state tournament record out of the picture for a second because I think, other than 4th of July and one other tournament when Travis was hurt, they didnt lose an event in state this season.  I have watched Drew play open play over the last 3 months with different partners almost weekly.  I have seen him lose a total of 5 games out of approximately 200-240 (3 of those 5 were playing with me).  Ummm, shouldn’t that tell people something (other than the fact that I suck)???  That is 200 games against all types of players!  Not all of these players were terrible and not everyone that Drew played with was good!!!   

God, it was so hard to not tell these people last night to shut up…